Monday 4 September 2017

Hunting for Heresy in All the Wrong Places

The Revd Orson Portendorfer
The Old Rectory
Rectory Road
Smedley Netherwick
SP87 9TH

Dear Mr Portendorfer

My family and I very much enjoyed worshipping with you at St Corpulent’s this past Sunday while visiting incarcerated relatives in the area. We were especially heartened and welcomed by your churchwarden, Algernon, who ensured our pew was wiped clean of bat droppings and cobwebs. And I am grateful you did not scold my teenage son too harshly for his sniggering while you preached on Ezekiel 23. I suspect I am not alone in wondering why you decided to include PowerPoint slides for this particular sermon, but I do not feel the need to question you on this matter.
However, I do feel the need to question you on another matter, namely, the bread chosen for the Eucharist. I regard myself as a connoisseur when it comes to bread—I have been recognised by the industry for my discerning palate—and I could not help but notice that the bread used in the Eucharist was Kingsmill 50/50 (or perhaps Hovis Best of Both; my palate is not that discerning). I do not need to make explicit the Christological deficiencies that such a decision promulgates and trust that you will ensure that the ‘yeast’ of this particular heresy will not give rise to others.

Yours in Him,

Mr Noel Dankworth
Bandley Danoff

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